Essential Beauty Tips I

I am sure you have read umpteen magazine articles on how to correctly apply foundation, but, inspired by my observations on the street, I feel it is high time for another lesson. The magazines are obviously behind with current trends.

Firstly, apparently you are supposed to choose a foundation that most closely matches your skin. This is rubbish!

None of this swiping of three colours along your jawline and actually going out into daylight armed with a mirror. What a waste of time. Your best course of action is to go directly to the supermarket and purchase a cheap liquid foundation – preferably one that is securely wrapped in plastic packaging so that you cannot check the colour at all.

Now, when it comes to applying your makeup, the aim is to create an artificial mask, so that every trace of humanity has been utterly obliterated. After all, skin – the body’s largest and ugliest organ – needs oxygen to thrive, and we want to clog its pores as much as possible. So cake that foundation on at least 2–3mm thick. Don’t worry about running out of makeup in a week: remember, it’s from the supermarket and cheap to replenish regularly.

The other very important technique to perfect is that of finishing with a hard line. Do not, under any circumstances, blend the makeup into your jawline. There must exist a clear demarcation of colour between your face and your neck (see illustration above).

And don’t forget that natural glow! It too must be eradicated. Here, mineral powder is your friend. Apply it with a lavish hand.

And with that, you’re all set – literally and figuratively.

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In next week’s Essential Beauty Tips we are going to tackle the difficult question of lip liner.