The Monster Shoes

Rather than a mere ‘little trifle’, this pair of suede shoes is more a monstrous oodle. They are amongst the giants of the shoe world. The leviathans. The dinosaurs. And the reptile skin panels, colossal metallic platforms and towering heels do nothing to dispel this notion.

When Î first tried them on in the shoe store, another shopper watched in bemusement as I tried a few paces. “They look impossible to walk in.”

“They’re surprisingly comfortable,” I informed her. “Quite well-balanced.” Unlike the other pair of platforms I tried on.

Admittedly, they did feel quite weighty at the end of my leg. Like I could easily squash bugs and small birds alike underfoot, without blinking an eye. Is this how horses feel when they are first shod?

…I could easily squash bugs and small birds alike underfoot, without blinking an eye.

I have one small complaint however: the upwards curve of the sole at the toes does produce a forward rolling emotion that might make me seasick if I attempted to run in them. (If I was so foolish as to attempt such a stunt.) No, these shoes require a delicate gait; a mincing prance that I always imagined eighteenth century dandies were forced to adopt in their ridiculous high heels.

The first time I wore them in public, I gingerly walked down to the bus stop, bracing myself for a general public outcry. In fact, an elderly gentleman of the road couldn’t stop staring at me in disbelief for the entire trip to Thornbury.

These little beauties are awesome for creating a sensation: jaws drop; loud, predictable exclamations follow. All that attention is quite tiresome, even for me. This is the real reason I have only worn them about three times…