The Strange Dichotomy of the Super-Jumper

In these dark and dreary days in the depths of winter’s dreadful grasp … when the chill winds nip at your noses and fingertips … when frostbite steadily climbs from feet frozen in the icy tundra of the city streets … when one puff of breath solidifies from one moment to the next in the arctic air — Oh, very well, I exaggerate slightly. It’s not the depths of winter yet; it’s not even July after all.

I’m like the Little Match Girl at work … “Please,” I beg the Fierce Guardian of the Thermostat, “please let me turn the heater on again!”

To continue: What, I ask you, what will save us from turning into lumps of solid ice overnight? I’m like the Little Match Girl at work (except that striking matches is inadvisable because of the extremely sensitive smoke alarms (did you know that it costs $3000 to pay for the firetrucks which come in response to alarms, which is expensive if it’s a case of burnt toast)): “Please,” I beg the Fierce Guardian of the Thermostat, “please let me turn the heater on again!” (The FGT is in direct line of fire (pun intended) of the heating vents, so she gets too hot, while I shiver miserably at my desk.)

But wait! All is not lost. Super-Jumper comes to the rescue! (Or Super-Sweater if you’re American; Super-Jersey if you’re a Brit.)

Meet my Super-Jumper. It’s from MNG. Actually, I bought it from a charity shop for a few dollars because I liked its enormous funnel neck (clothes-as-sculpture) and the cable knit, and the charcoal grey colour. And the three-quarter sleeves.

I quickly discovered why it had those: because if you wear the jumper on your way to work under a coat, you need to have an air-vent somewhere. I usually arrive at the office with an over-heated bosom (I was really tempted to chuck in another literary cliché here and say ‘heaving bosom’, but you can see I managed to resist), and frozen arms.

The funnel neck’s secondary purpose, and a more stylish alternative to the balaclavaAfter I cool down/defrost, the jumper keeps me at an even keel until the afternoon, when the office finally begins to lose its frosty edge and we can see people on the other side of the room – and I start to steam a little again. (This strange dichotomy might possibly be why the jumper was relegated to the charity bin in the first place.) But I still really love the jumper. It’s just so cool. And yet it’s hot.

The funnel neck is also good for casting shifty-eyed glances at the FGT over the top of …