Stocking Shocking Stockings

That creeping sensation …

This winter has been so cold. Ordinary thigh-high stay-ups just didn’t cut it on some of these nippy days, and finding that my stocking stocks were low, I decided to go on the hunt for interesting hosiery.

Cotton or wool stockings would be perfect, something with pattern or texture or bright colours. These types of tights are expensive in Australia, unless one happens to get lucky at sales time (usually in summer when stockings are the last things one is contemplating investing in), so I decided to try eBay.

I struck gold in a wool pair for $10, and fantastic cabled wool/hemp stockings in two different shades of grey for $15 each, all from Japan. I also flung in three pairs of opaque 80 denier ombre stockings: espresso, charcoal and cobalt – less than $4 each from Korea.

But … CAVEAT EMPTOR!

I thought I had read the fine print, I really did. I mean, I really did read it. All the stockings, according to the measurements and sizes listed, were supposed to fit me. Yet I failed to take into account that they had been manufactured for an Asian market that is typically slim and delicate.

When the first pair arrived, I was nonplussed to find the size tag read ‘XXXL’ …

When the first pair arrived, I was nonplussed to find the size tag read ‘XXXL’. When I tried those on, I found they would barely fit a pygmy, let alone a petite Japanese girl: the gusset reaching my knees. They languish in my drawer.

Then the ombré tights arrived, looking pretty in their packaging – until I took them out and discovered they were sheer 12 denier stockings, and the ombré effect is barely visible except perhaps under a magnifying glass. After filing all my nails, and with very careful easing up, I managed to draw on the espresso pair all the way without ripping them. I wore them to the office but unsurprisingly developed a run that very afternoon. Into the bin with those!

I do love these charcoal coloured wool and hemp stockings, despite their one flawThe fabulous wool/hemp wonder stockings – one pair in charcoal, the other in grey – looked gorgeous and promising. They did not itch in the slightest, but unfortunately they were also a little short in the leg. I tried washing and stretching them with little effect. Desperate, I wore them anyway.

They slowly drive you insane throughout the day as they slide down by tiny increments …

Do you know how horrible it is to spend a day in slightly short stockings? They sag, and they bag. They slowly drive you insane throughout the day as they slide down by tiny increments.

I managed to fob off one unworn pair on a shorter friend (whom they just fit), but the first pair I kept since I had stuck one finger through the top in frustration while tugging them up. Eventually I resorted to that old childhood trick: I wore a second pair of undies over the stockings. Eureka! The stockings stayed up, my legs stayed toasty.

Burned, but lesson learned.