Two Tales of Ridiculous Lingerie

Underwear as Outerwear

Underwear is not outerwear. That’s why it’s called underwear. Once upon a time it even used to be called unmentionables. Also undergarments, underclothing and underlinen. Note the repetitive use of the word ‘under’. And in case you are still not sure: there were underdrawers, underpants, undershirts, undershorts, underskirts, undervests and underwire bras … sorry that last one doesn’t belong in that list. But it’s pretty comprehensive, you’ll have to admit. So how on earth did lingerie graduate to outerwear?

Seen on the Marc Jacobs runwayA couple years ago I came across a Marc Jacobs runway image that I found so ridiculous I laughed and laughed and book-marked it for future reference. A satin bra worn over a knit. There is something appealing about the soft pretty colours, the contrasting textures, but how many women would actually get about like this in the ordinary day to day (unless they were burlesque performers by profession)? Of course Marc Jacobs was not the first perpetrator of this amusing fashion – we’ve seen underwear as outerwear in many manifestations on the runway over the years, but I can’t think of one time I’ve seen it on the street.

Armed and Dangerous

Meanwhile, it was always an ambition of mine to own some vintage 1940s lingerie, and I was excited to purchase an ice blue satin rayon bra on eBay. It was exactly my band and cup size, so presumably it would fit. I won it at auction for $5, so at that price it hardly mattered if it did not. To my chagrin though, I found that it was a precursor to the famous 1950s bullet bras, and when I put it on there was this strange empty pointy tip in each cup, which I found impossible to fill by natural means (and no, tissues didn’t work). Ironically, it fits better over the knit tank!

 there is a silver lining to every empty cup …

A dud purchase, I decided after I stopped laughing. But there is a silver lining to every empty cup (or something like that), for there was a story here. I finally had a bra to wear over a knit top in homage to Marc Jacobs’ deconstructed unmentionables.

I donned the garments and immediately felt silly. But then I added a pair of taffeta shorts, and my pompom headband. Somehow the pompom becomes the cherry on top and takes this outfit out of the unfortunate unmentionables into silly-but-cute costume … although I have an ominous feeling I look a bit like an ice cream.

From ‘Seduction, a celebration of sensual style’, by Caroline Cox (Mitchell Beazley, 2006)The bullet or cone bra was invented in the 1940s as a full-support bra ‘with cups in the shape of a paraboloid with its axis perpendicular to the breast. The bullet bra usually features concentric circles or spirals of decorative stitching centred on the nipples.’ [Wikipedia]

Bullet bras did not become popular until the 1950s however, when pin ups known as ‘sweater girls’ rose to the fore, such as Jayne Mansfield and Lana Turner (but not Marilyn Monroe, she never wore any underwear of any sort at all because she liked to feel ‘unhampered’) – supposedly men found them attractive. But I put it to you: is this the stupidest bra design ever (see right)?

Allow me to present my case with the following pictorial examples:

Now really, that just looks painful, right? Imagine hugging a woman with those WMDs on her torso. They bring new meaning to the expression ‘dangerous curves’. And besides, who even wants a paraboloid anywhere near their chest?

I can’t decide if I’d rather wear my bra on the outside or not, but if someone was holding a gun to my head and I simply had to choose, I would totally dodge that bullet bra.