Tatiana’s Adventures in Wonderland (Part One)

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No doubt you’ve heard all about Alice and her so-called adventures in Wonderland. There’s a biopic just come out about her by that marvellous and renowned documentarian, Tim Burton. Fiction. Don’t believe a word of it.

Well, it’s just lucky I’m here to dispel all those illusions and tell you the Truth.*

First of all: dream shmeam! There was no dream. That was just her family trying desperately to hush up what actually happened. It was all one big long hallucination. Wild parties and absinthe. Possibly even orgies (I can’t substantiate that allegation, however).

It was all one big long hallucination. Wild parties and absinthe.

“But she’s only a little girl!” I can hear you protesting. “Who’d let her at a bottle of the Green Fairy?”

I’ve always thought it quite remarkable how the truth can become distorted over time and slip slowly into legend. Just look at that apocryphal tale of the three little pigs. No, no. Alice was no innocent little girl. She was a young lady. If you could truthfully call her a lady… tsk-tsk! Such goings on!

Above you’ll see my own little re-enactment of what really happened.

Look out for more startling exposés in the coming weeks (including shocking debaucheries involving cakes).

*Author’s note: None of this is actually true.

Check out the All Dressed-Up gallery for still versions of the animation.