Green Ladies (and an Exotic Dancer)
Wow! Zowee! Tzing! Welcome back to the penultimate episode of the Inter-Universe Beauty Pageant, hosted right here on Earth by the lovely ladies Orielle Starlight of Uranus, and Andromeda X of Jupiter!
Today we will meet the last four contestants: Misses Zane, Bottlestar, Gold and Lorna.
I can’t help but wonder if Miss Zane (above) is as zany as she and her home planet looks: Dora with the unpronounceable surname (and, with unearthly accents, also unprintable) Xeii. It is a great pity too that this sewing mistress betrays an extraordinary ignorance of her remarkable home planet, that – in defiance of all known laws of physics, astronomy and every stream of science known to mankind – is ineluctably, a cube.
I do like her join-the-dots dress though, the tomato-red over-the-knee socks, and the tangerine Mary-Jane wedges. [SPOILER ALERT! Ed’s note: Honestly, I think I surpassed my childhood self with Miss Zane. How did she not win?]
Another seemingly clear winner is Miss Bottlestar, Maldie Morn, who, at the tender age of 18, is a marine biologist. She must be a real smart cookie. She is a little more learned than Dora Xeii, and informs us of the etymology of her oddly-named planet: Bottlestar was once war-torn Battlestar, but in the aftermath of world peace (a noteworthy achievement in itself), it was renamed. She lives in the city of Grug. It must be admitted that the Bottlestarri aren’t that good at coming up with aesthetically pleasing place names though.
As if you didn’t suspect right away, the very pink Donna Stein of the planet Gold is a … dancer. I think I will not mention what kind. I’m not quite sure how she slipped past the selection criteria for this illustrious contest. Like the red ballet slippers though. Nice pins too.
This little green lady is Louella Brite, a ‘dressmaker expert’ from a rainforest on the planet Lorna. Owing to the altruism of some anonymous Earthling, her home planet was seeded with rainforests millennia ago, and everything is now in full bloom. Just like Louella’s rainbow themed gown. I would totally wear those platform ballet/gladiator sandals with green fishnets too.
Well there you have it folks: all 25 contestants of the 129th annual Inter-Universe Beauty Pageant have now paraded their charms before you. Revisit them all in the official gallery. Who are the winners? You’ll have to stay tuned to find out …