Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend
It’s been a while since we dropped by the Beauty Pageant Inter-Universe. High time to correct that omission. I would be delighted to introduce you to Misses Mecury (Chris Manroe, a fiercely patriotic pilot), Zerod (White TDove, her fair beauty belies her humble origins) and Comet (the dazzling, ineffably virtuous Diamond Jack).
By this time I was letting my imagination run riot, and the sky was not the limit. Having run out of planets in our own humble solar system, I was happily making up names for planets, new cereals, rearranging the reproductive cycles of entire populations, and creating an innovative cuisine entirely based on precious stones. Diamond and peridot drink anyone? It complements the topaz pie wonderfully.
It is the fair Diamond who takes home the prize though: she was awarded two blue ribbons and one red by the judges. Not by me however – she was a trifle insipid for my tastes.
Tune in next time to meet Misses Starr (a properly ethereal princess and part-time star), Moon (a Lunarite with wanderlust and a decided want of sartorial taste) and Amazon (a singularly capable-looking young princess with the bucolic name Edith May). Bet you can’t wait.
Modest Misses from the Outer Planets
Huge by nature, huge by name, Sue Huge is a humble secretary from Indi Lea, one of the larger rocks in the Minor Planets, and is one of our tallest contestants. Admittedly she has drab taste in clothes, but certainly knows how to show off her assets – those legs go for miles! Just as well; with such a high forehead as she has, Sue has come to terms with the comments on her constantly surprised expression.
A full 20cm shorter than her rival, hairdresser Leala Marns from Mars has green-coloured skin, proving that traditional adage about little green men from Mars. Leala likes to match her costumes to her hair and skin-tone, a common combination of olive and emerald on Mars. She is just branching out her business to include beauty and styling tips to other similarly complexioned ladies, and has already given some very sound advice to the Misses Bottlestar and Lorna.
A cast eye has not deterred Greta Grand, a piano teacher, from trying her luck and entering the Inter-Universe Beauty Pageant. Apart from this serious flaw (which makes her somewhat of a freak on a planet famous for both its goodness and beauteous inhabitants), hers is the typical physique of the Plutonians: the women are tall and slim, and the men are well built.
Next time on the Inter-Universe Beauty Channel we’ll meet a pragmatic air-force pilot; a fair maid who has risen above her humble origins … and a very shiny young woman with a penchant for expensive jewellery.
A Long-Locked Trio
She of the chartreuse locks, Miss Eve Adams, hails from Uranus, a mining planet famed for its spectacular gems. Obviously, since she is bedecked in diamonds literally from head to foot. Her skin is so white it’s a fair call that she spends most of her time underground, although she washes up pretty shiny. Here she matches her dress to her hair, because monotone dressing is slimming after all. Anything to tone down those broad miner’s shoulders…
On the other hand, Miss Saturn, a midget art teacher with a colourful flair for décolletage work attire, is ‘nicely tanned’ because Saturn is blessed with four suns and eight moons. I believe those indeed are feathers plucked from the tail of the legendary mellifluous pluviaavis, (or Dulcet Rainbird in the common Saturnese tongue), that are trimming Miss Rilla Bow’s minidress.
The Jup-Jups (as the inhabitants of Jupiter are called) are a happy lot. Although their planet is Earth-like, the Jup-Jups’ delicate pink skin and hair – as well as their pacific nature – clearly sets them apart from us Terrans. Miss Sally Boyden, a dancer, wears a satin teddy featuring a ruffle down the front of the bustier. Her attire hints at the fact that Miss Boyden quite possibly dances at a cabaret rather than the National Ballet.
While in my youth I awarded Miss Uranus a third prize, it is Miss Jupiter that I am rather fond of today.
Next time on the Inter Universe Beauty Channel we’ll meet a little green Martian; a citizen of the Amalgamated Minor Planets and Asteroid Belt Unified Collective; and a veritable Plutonian goddess. Stay tuned!
Check out the Galaxy Gallery for the full series.
The Green Lady Wins
So it’s time for another instalment of ‘The Inter-Universe Beauty Pageant!’ Up for your delectation is a trio of colourful ladies. (The drawings are making me giggle, but the text is making me cringe. What a lurid imagination I had.)
Our Number One contestant is the Australian Olivia Johns (above) – that’s Miss Earth to you. She is a model and airhostess – à la Elizabeth Taylor, with that bouffant hairdo. She sports an ombré dress in shades of maroon, red and pale pink.
Next up is our Venusian cousin, Chrystal Nymph (below). She is a gardeness, and Santago Island (where she lives) is the greenest on Venus. The rainforests and poolahs are simply splendid, and waterfalls are plenty. Naturally her skin is pale olive, and her hair dark green. (They don’t just have green thumbs on Venus.) Her outfit seems to take its inspiration from the original Star Trek.
Lastly is Miss Neptune: Nodela Sealion (below). Neptune is a water planet – hence the blue shade of Nodela’s skin, a type of camoflage. They keep their figures by swimming a lot. Neptune holds nothing poisonous or bad, and is ruled by the just and kind ruler, King Neptune. Nodela’s fishtailed gown vaguely resembles a Missoni knit.
Good to see I wasn’t shy of making up words when I was a youngster. By the way, you might notice the shadow of some ribbons behind Miss Venus. She won second and third ribbons from two of the judges (myself and one of my cousins, respectively).
Next time on The Inter-Universe Beauty Channel, look forward to meeting a chartreuse-haired mining teacher from Uranus, a midget art teacher from Saturn, and a very tall burlesque dancer wearing a maroon teddy and go-go boots hailing from Jupiter.